How do I cope with Losses and all their Grief?
Loss comes in many forms but always is accompanied by grief.
Defining Grief
Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one, but grief is much more than that. It’s the emotion felt after experiencing a loss—the loss of something that is part of our lives.
Grief is expected when someone loses a loved one because of death, but we sometimes overlook the grief that is experienced when the loss comes a different way, through relationship breakups, divorce, or separation. There are also losses that are not so obvious such as loss of a job, loss through theft, loss of friends, community as well as loss of opportunity. In fact, just about anything that we are invested in produces some form of grief when we lose it. We often don’t take the time to process that type of grief because we see it as trivial and weak compared with the grief associated with death.
In reality, all grief, no matter how big or small, impacts us deeper than we realize. Slowly but surely these little encounters with grief build on each other until they become big enough to grab our attention. They manifest in irritability, sadness, agitation, and sometimes depression. Understanding the presence of grief and how to process it helps us to keep mentally and emotionally healthy. Allowing ourselves to grieve is actually good for us.
The stages of grief are not always in a straight line they can zig-zag back and forth
Grief is a process
There are 5 well-known stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When looking at these stages we need to remember they don’t always follow a straight line but can zig-zag back and forth. Let’s look at each stage individually.
Denial-This part of grief usually appears in the “shock” period. it’s just happened, there is pain, confusion, and disbelief. We commonly use sentences such as, I can’t believe it? Did that really just happen? This is the way we protect ourselves from the pain we are experiencing, it is our mind’s way of absorbing and understanding what has happened. This is ok in the short term but left unchecked it will keep us from processing the loss and the pain will tick away underneath the surface.
Anger- This is a natural response in times of loss, Anger allows us to let out the emotional pressure in a way that leaves us less vulnerable. Less judged for having the feelings we are having.
Bargaining - No matter what you believe in, this is the time we cry out to a higher power than ourselves and start to see if we can change the situation by bargaining. If you do this, I’ll do that. it’s a desperate plea to return things to the way they were and avoid the pain associated with the loss.
Depression- It’s normal to feel sad and flat after loss, it takes time to come to grips with what has happened, and it is important to feel the sadness, However when the sadness stays and becomes a permanent companion instead of one who visits from time to time, its important to seek help and talk to your GP or therapist about depression.
Acceptance- Eventually, there comes the realization that the loss is real. That it isn’t going to change, nothing you can do can restore it. This is the catalyst that helps us to move forward.
Observing our grief, and moving forward
Grief never really leaves us, but it does present us with an opportunity to move forward. To acknowledge our loss, give us a new perspective, and inspire us to change. Moving forward does not necessarily mean leaving someone or something behind, We simply find a new position for the loss, and bring a new understanding to it. We adapt to unique circumstances and embrace the future with the expectation of a life worth living. Different yes, but one full of potential.
Strategies
Allow yourself to grieve, give yourself permission to cry, shout, or whatever is needed to express your emotions in a healthy way.
Talk about it, talk to someone, talk to everyone. don’t bottle up your feelings. talk to family, friends or a professional.
Be gracious towards yourself,
Give yourself time.